Jerry Spotter and the DeathMunchers of Doom
by ObsidianEmbers
Summary: Parody of Harry Potter and The Magic Swan Geese. Bumblebore leaves, Strictus Snake is told to look after Jerry Spotter, and it all goes downhill from there.


A variant of the Russian Fairytale 'The Magic Swan Geese' in Alexsandr Afanas'ev's Russian Fairy Tales, page 349-351

Title: Jerry Spotter and the Death-Munchers of Doom

Author: ObsidianEmbers

Rating: PG (nothing racy here)

Pairings: None

Summary: Parody of Harry Potter and The Magic Swan Geese. Bumblebore leaves, Strictus Snake is told to look after Jerry Spotter, and it all goes downhill from there.

Disclaimer: I do not own anything you might recognize here and I'm making no money from this. And just so you lawyer types know, it's not cool to sue poor people anyway.

**Warnings**: None

Extra: A variant of the Russian Fairytale 'The Magic Swan Geese' in Alexsandr Afanas'ev's Russian Fairy Tales, page 349-351. Also a parody of the Harry Potter series by J.K. Rowling. Written on November 5th 2007

**A/N:** I wrote this story as a parody of both "The Magic Swan Geese" and the Harry Potter series. As a parody, characters have been renamed, but honestly, anyone familiar with Harry Potter should recognize who I'm referring to with the new (and, I hope, amusing) names. The symbols throughout the story refer to the preceding sentence(s) and what function of the fairytale they represent (all following Propp's Functions of the Fairy Tale, which can be found explained at my fic-dump at whatiaskofyou (dot) livejournal (dot) com (slash) 1001 (dot) html The story can also be found posted there if you prefer to read it on LJ

Jerry Spotter and the Death-Munchers of Doom

An old man named Bumblebore lived in a large castle in the middle of Scotland, christened Backwash Boarding School, with a disgruntled chemistry professor named Strictus Snake and a young charge named Jerry Spotter. (α) "Strictus, Strictus" said Bumblebore "I'm taking a vacation; I'll bring you back some exotic chemical compounds, knit you a long pair of colorfully-stripped socks, and buy you some shampoo. Be cautious, mind Mr. Spotter and don't go out of the castle." (β, γ) Bumblebore jetted off and Professor Snake soon conveniently forgot about Bumblebore's warning. He dragged Jerry Spotter outside to weed poisonous plants for detention, while he went to work on his tan by the loch. (δ) While Strictus was busy adjusting his sunglasses and applying tanning lotion of his own recipe, a group of Death-Munchers came and carried Jerry Spotter away to their secret lair. (A)

When Strictus came back to sneer at Jerry he found the boy gone and the work half-done. Growling in irritation, Strictus began stalking all over the grounds, but he couldn't find the boy. He yelled threats, fumed, grumbled that Bumblebore would be _really _thrilled this time, and still Jerry Spotter didn't answer. (B) He stalked past the garden patch to the ornate iron fence around the castle and saw a distant glimmer of light reflecting off the sparkly silver cloaks that the Death-Munchers sported. Many had long feared the Death-Munchers, as they delighted in egging houses, throwing loud, raucous parties at 3 am, and also kidnapped people to take to their evil master, Lord Moldybones. Strictus sighed and guessed that his former comrades, the Death-Munchers, had decided to gift Jerry Spotter to Lord Moldybones and began to follow after them. (C, ↑)

He stalked down the road until he came upon Romulus Wolfish. "Wolfish, have you seen where the Death-Munchers went off to?" "If you give me some medicine I'll tell you." (D)"Oh please, Wolfish, I don't even give medicine to my fellow employees." (E) Romulus Wolfish shrugged and remained quiet. Strictus strode further down the path and happened upon Mayor Frosting. "Mayor, have you seen where the Death-Munchers went off to?" "If you promise to vote for me next election I'll tell you" " Oh please, Mayor, I never even bother to vote for members of Parliament" Mayor Frosting blustered and remained quiet. Strictus strode on and came upon Flippant White. "White, have you seen where the Death-Munchers went off to?" "If you grovel at my feet and admit that I'm superior to you in all ways I'll tell you." "Oh please, White, I don't even grovel and admit inferiority to Bumblebore"

Strictus would have wandered all over the Scottish Highlands and in the various towns if he hadn't happened upon Leweird, a Death-Muncher who fawned over Lord Moldybones day and night. He would have tapped her on the shoulder if she didn't look as filthy as a happy pig, so instead he sneered "Leweird, have you seen where the Death-Munchers went off to?" "Over there" Leweird cackled madly and pointed to Malicious Manor. (G) Strictus strode into the manor and saw Lord Moldybones, pale as death and hairless, taking a nap on an old couch while Jerry Spotter sat on a stool playing with a small golden ball. Strictus saw Jerry Spotter and glided towards him, seized him by the scruff of his shirt and dragged him out of Malicious Manor in a huff. (K, ↓) Unfortunately, the Death-Munchers caught wind of an intruded making off with their quandary and followed after them (Pr).

Flippant White was still standing along the path. "White, hide me" he said. "If you grovel and admit I'm superior to you in all ways" There was no helping it; Strictus groveled and professed to Flippant White's superiority, and Flippant White hid them in the large decaying mansion behind him and the Death-Munchers went past their hiding place unawares (Rs). Strictus came out with Jerry Spotter, grumbled something close to "Thanks _so_ much, White" and strode on, dragging Jerry Spotter; the Death-Munchers turned back and came towards them. How was he going to get out of this mess? He spotted Mayor Frosting. "Mayor, hide me" he said. "If you vote for me next election" He quickly registered to vote for the mayor, took the 'Vote for Frosting' shirt, banner and bumper sticker that were shoved at him, and Mayor Frosting pushed them into a gaudy carriage that was sitting on the side of the road; the Death-Munchers went past them. Strictus came out with Jerry Spotter again and dragged the boy along. The Death-Munchers saw them and came after them. They were right behind them, close enough shout insults at Strictus' heritage, almost able to snatch Jerry Spotter from his vice-like grip. Luckily Romulus Wolfish was standing along the road. "Wolfish, hide me" He said. "If you give me some medicine" Strictus rummaged in his pockets and passed a vial of medicine to Wolfish. Romulus Wolfish showed the pair into a small rundown shack.

The Death-Munchers searched and searched, cursed and cursed, and finally ambled back to Malicious Manor without Jerry Spotter. Strictus stalked back to Backwash Boarding School and it was a good thing he got back when he did, for soon afterwards Bumblebore returned, bearing exotic chemical compounds, a long pair of colorfully-stripped socks, and a lifetime supply of grease-be-gone shampoo.

Note: The morphological functions 'First Donor Function' (D), Hero's Reaction (E), and Rescue (Rs) are trebled in this tale.

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